I must say that when I began this course, I could have never dreamed what I would learn. I could not have imagined how many facets there are to finding peace, tranquility and answers, all at the same time.
I have learned to ground myself as well as not care what others may think of me as long as I, myself, know I am okay and I feel good about it. As long as I, myself, am doing what is right and good to the best of my ability. But I must say over this past year, as I was studying this course, the lesson on pain is the one I read over and over again more so than the rest. And – each and every time it held a different meaning. Had I not taken this course, I may have missed the lesson.
In December of 2004 – one year ago this last December, I received a call from my Aunt in Ohio who was very concerned about my mother who lived in the same town as myself. She said she had spoken to her on the phone and that she was incoherent and could not carry on a conversation. I come from a family of 6 girls, I am second to the oldest and I seemed to have taken on the role of being the responsible one a long time ago. Therefore, on that evening in December, I promised my Aunt that I would go over to my mother’s home the very next morning and check on her. In the meantime, I called my mom and she was in fact incoherent. I asked to speak with the sister whom she was living with and she too was in a drug induced incoherency of her own.
Two weeks before this I had learned that my mom had broken a vertebrae in her back, a very painful situation for a 79 year old woman to have to recover from. She had just been sent home from the hospital that week and my younger sisters, who are all in their 30’s were supposedly taking care of her. This was my mother’s choice.
So, the very next morning, I drove over to my mother’s modest little mobile home and I did in deed find her very doped up and in considerable pain. The girls could not possibly even get her to the bathroom as the trailer was much too small and my mom couldn’t walk. None of them really knew how much morphine my mom was getting and they had no clue when her last dose was. This was clearly the blind leading the blind. My mom had always enabled the girls and she had always taken care of them. Again – her choice.
I sat down next to my mom and asked if I could call an ambulance to have her taken to a rehabilitation facility where she could recover from this and get the proper care she needed. She hesitantly agreed.
When the ambulance arrived, two gals came in and assessed my mom and decided that it was in her best interest to go to the hospital. I’m sure they could see the situation at hand as well. My mom needed proper care. One of the paramedics asked me to back my truck up which was parked right outside the front steps so they could get the ambulance closer to the front door so they could transport my mom.
I went out to move my truck and simply backed it up a couple of feet. I do remember backing over the speed bump however it had no significance at the time. I opened my truck door and as I was stepping out of the truck I was also at the same time, asking the paramedic if I had given her enough room and the next thing I remember, I heard a crack and I hit the ground like a ton of bricks. The pain was unbearable. I figured I had broken my leg because I heard it crack. However, I was going into shock and when I sat up and looked down at my leg, my foot was turned completely around facing the opposite way. The pain was so intense, I passed out. They called another unit to come and get me.
Without going into a whole lot of detail, it turned out that I had broken my leg as well as shattered my ankle socket completely. Without surgery, I would never walk on it again. It was a six month recovery. I would not be able to place any weight on my leg for six months.
I have never experienced pain like that in my entire life. They had to rebuild my ankle. Two steal plates and seventeen screws now replaced what used to be my ankle. The x-ray tech said he hadn’t seen snow boarding accidents that were this bad. All I did was step out of my truck.
In the meantime my mom didn’t get better – she became worse. She would call me from the hospital and tell me she wanted to die. She refused all treatment and her doctor was furious as he felt that she could fully recover from this injury. My mom continued to refuse treatment and when I felt there was nothing else left to do; I called Hospice and asked them to assess my mom. They did – and they accepted her as a patient. My mom was ready to go. Her Choice again.
They moved her home and I had my oldest son drive me over there day after day as I sat by her bedside. She was now refusing to take her heart medication as well. It was now – just a waiting game.
One afternoon, as I was sitting there with my leg up and simply listening to my mom’s short shallow breathing as she slept, she woke up out of a sound sleep and asked me if I knew why I broke my ankle so badly?
I told her that I had thought about it quite a bit and I guess The Lord needed to sit me down for a long period of time. She smiled and said, “Oh yes.” And then she went on to explain that had I not been hurt that day, I would have been to the hospital daily and I would have forced her to get well. And that just wasn’t in the plan. This was the way she was meant to leave this world and I was right, The Lord had to get me out of the way for a long time and keep me out of the way.
She then went on to tell me that as active as I am, (I have several horses that I ride and drive), why would I simply step out of my truck and destroy my leg? I was baffled. And then she asked me what speed bumps are for? I told her to slow you down. And she simply smiled and nodded. Two days later my mom passed away. I had just ordered this course.
As I began this course, I couldn’t believe the messages I received. From the grounding cords all the way to the last lesson. I have read and re-read most of my lessons more than three times. Each and every time I retain something new. I do so hope it is this way for everyone.
I am completely healed now and am riding and driving my horses again. I have created a big sun bubble around my truck. I have also created a different sort of cord. One for safety each and every time I step out of my truck.
A freak accident is what the doctors called it. I myself, now see it as a necessity as well as a blessing. My mom was right. I would have asked of her something she would have been reluctant to give. She was tired and she was ready to leave this place.
I now know that I can create my own perception of all things. This course has empowered me to create and ask for things instead of simply waiting for them to come to me. It has also taught me patience and to accept the things I truly have no control over. I used to always be on the go, non stop, always in a hurry to get to the next chore of my day. That speed bump as well as this course taught me to slow down. That the world won’t come to a screeching halt if something doesn’t get done. My chores sure didn’t get done that day in December.
I have decided that it is okay to put off till tomorrow what I don’t get done today. I have learned to take the time to be with me – each and every day. Just ten minutes is very relaxing.
I am a perfect being. God Loves Me. I was created in perfection,
By perfection, for perfection. My success is guaranteed.
Rev. Martha J. Tote